Navigating Church Conflict with a Little Grace and a Lot of Grit
“Not my circus, not my monkeys.”
That’d be nice, wouldn’t it?
But if you’re in church leadership—or just showing up with a servant’s heart—you’ve probably realised: this is your circus. Those are your monkeys. And that slightly sarcastic, overly tired one lobbing theological banana peels? Might be you.
Church conflict happens. It’s part of being in community. People bring opinions, history, trauma, and egos (and so do we). Add in miscommunication, people-pleasing, and triangulated attempts to feel safe while unintentionally building division… well, it’s a mess.
But it’s not a hopeless mess.
1. Conflict isn’t a sign of failure—it’s a call to maturity.
Churches have been messy since day one. The New Testament reads like a collection of strongly (though lovingly) worded emails. In Acts 15, Paul and Barnabas had a “sharp disagreement” (v. 39) that split their team. It wasn’t pretty—but God still used both paths for Kingdom work.
Conflict in the church isn’t new, and it’s not fatal. But how we respond to it reveals our maturity.
“Be completely humble and gentle; be patient, bearing with one another in love.”
— Ephesians 4:2 (NIV)
This verse is often quoted like a platitude, but it’s a command. Humility and patience are not weak stances; they’re Spirit-formed muscles. Bearing with one another in love assumes you’ll have something to bear. Unity isn’t the absence of conflict—it’s the presence of Christ in the way we handle it.
2. You don’t have to win—just witness well.
You can win the argument and lose the person. You can defend doctrine and still damage the body. Paul reminds us that we’re not just right—we’re representatives.
“We are therefore Christ’s ambassadors, as though God were making his appeal through us.”
— 2 Corinthians 5:20 (NIV)
As ambassadors, our tone is our testimony. Are we making God’s appeal more compelling—or more confusing?
“Let your gentleness be evident to all. The Lord is near.”
— Philippians 4:5 (NIV)
Paul writes this while imprisoned. If anyone had a right to be sharp or irritated, it was him. But his instruction is stunning: be gentle. Not only when things are easy, but when they’re hard. Not just with close friends, but with all.
Gentleness isn’t passivity, it’s power under control. Love isn’t weakness, on the contrary, it might be the strongest emotion we have.
3. Peacemaking isn’t passive—it’s bold and Christlike.
Jesus didn’t say, “Blessed are the conflict avoiders.” He said:
“Blessed are the peacemakers, for they will be called children of God.”
— Matthew 5:9 (NIV)
Peacemaking is not keeping everyone happy. It’s stepping into the tension with courage and care, cautiously naming what’s broken, and offering a better way. That’s why Paul wrote:
“If it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone.”
— Romans 12:18 (NIV)
There’s realism here—“if it is possible”—because not all conflicts end in hugs and reconciliation. But “as far as it depends on you” means we take full responsibility for our part, refusing to escalate, slander, or retreat into bitterness. Peacemaking is active, honest, and incredibly brave.
4. Your tone shapes your testimony.
You can speak the truth, but if your delivery scorches the soil, nothing will grow. Wisdom is not just in what we say—but how.
“A gentle answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger.”
— Proverbs 15:1 (NIV)
This verse isn’t suggesting we sugarcoat hard truths—but it reminds us that our words are either kindling or balm. A calm, Spirit-filled voice can de-escalate division faster than a clever rebuttal ever will.
James doubles down on this, saying:
“Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry.”
— James 1:19 (NIV)
The longer we linger in listening, the more Christlike our speaking becomes.
5. You’re part of the body—and part of the mess.
Here’s the hardest truth: the conflict isn’t just “out there.” Sometimes it’s “in here”—in us. Leadership doesn’t mean we’re above the dysfunction. We often contribute to it, even with the best intentions. But by God’s grace, we can also be part of the repair.
“Why do you look at the speck of sawdust in your brother’s eye and pay no attention to the plank in your own eye?”
— Matthew 7:3 (NIV)
This isn’t a call to moral apathy—it’s an invitation to self-awareness. Before we critique the system, the elder board, or the passive-aggressive group text, we ask: “Where have I added friction instead of peace?”
Owning our part is hard. But it’s also holy.
Here’s the good news:
Jesus builds His church with imperfect people. The body of Christ is not a collection of saints who never disagree. It’s a grace-soaked community learning to speak the truth in love, forgive seventy times seven, and show up even after the hard conversations.
You don’t have to be perfect. You just need to stay faithful, stay humble, and keep turning back to Jesus.
If you’re in the thick of it…
Tired? Tempted to quit? Unsure if the cost of leading through conflict is worth it?
Then Doug Bixby’s Navigating the Nonsense is the book you didn’t know you needed.
With pastoral warmth and practical insight, Bixby unpacks the invisible tensions that shape congregational life—especially the subtle damage caused by triangulated communication. You’ll learn how to recognise unhealthy dynamics, avoid common pitfalls, and move your church toward deeper trust and healthier collaboration.
No book can fix your church—but this one might just steady your soul for the road ahead. We recommend doing what we did, gather your team, or a cohort of local pastors, and read through this together, chapter by chapter, meeting to discuss it as you go.
📘 Check it out here: Navigating the Nonsense
It’s like a strong coffee with a wise friend: honest, hopeful, and oddly comforting.
This blog was written by Foundry consultant T. Rowan Goodfellow.
With special thanks to Jamie Haughton for the monkey.
Note of transparency: When you use the link above to purchase the recommended resource you contribute to our work through Amazon Affiliates. This is no extra cost to you, and no reduced profit for the creator of the resource.
Foundry Ministry + Media Lab 
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